Poopocalypse

Dear Naive Childless Person,
If you become a parent, there will be poo.  More importantly, it will not always be nicely contained in the diaper.  Oh no, it will escape.
Sincerely, Survivor

I wish someone had written that note to me just over 7 months ago.  It’s like your brain knows a baby will poop, but it just cannot fathom the horrors to come.

The first day we brought our teeny little baby boy home, he shot poop over the changing pad onto the couch during a diaper change.  It made about a foot long trajectory down the cushion & off the side.  My sleep-deprivation delirious husband and I could only laugh because it was so ridiculous such a mess could have so quickly happened from so small a thing.  And we dubbed it “Poopocalypse.”  It was like our initiation into parenting.

There have been oh-so-many since that first experience:
– my dear husband being so distracted by the cuteness of the naked baby that he picked him up anyway and got poop in his hand… the baby pooped. IN his hand. Poopocalypse!
– the day I was changing the diaper and a little expelled gas decided to bring a little poo with it which shot onto my arm. Poopocalypse!
– and the innumerable times the diaper just couldn’t be bothered to contain all the poo, leaking it out into people’s laps, all over their clothes, and anything else at all the baby might come in contact with.  Poopocalypse!

I have no doubt there will be many more to come. We’ve yet to have any poop during bathtime and potty training promises to be eventful.

Parents even talk openly about poo.  We stalk the color, quantity, consistency of our baby’s feces as it goes through a whirlwind of changes in the first month.  Then even more fun as we introduce solids.

So, if you are thinking about having a kid, start bracing your gag reflex for the Poopocalypse!

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